so now i realize things in life are not as difficult as i make them to be sometimes. i think sometimes i just need to sit back and let things happen sometimes and not be so over dramatic. did i really just say that? did i just call myself dramatic? for real. who would have thought that day would come when i would open my damn eye balls and call myself dramatic. crazy. why cant i just go with the flow. hmm. im at work right now. and all i can think about is how i just got paid yesterday and how im goin to make my money last for the next two weeks. i need tires on my truck && it needs inspected. plus my insurance is due... who ever came up with money should be shot except hes probably already dead. so he should be brought back to life and shot. that makes more sense i think . why is my brain so crazy today . god do i need a cig only 1/2 hour until i can have one or two then back at it for another 4 1/2 hours. i have to catch a duck today.... and take him home in my truck. god does it really need cleaned how does my job involve catching a duck... sometimes i have to catch goats. i take care of the elderly and apparently random farm animals... my work life so messed up but i guess it makes it interesting . i am so tired... two more days and i get a day off.. maybe ill have a fire on monday night it is memorial day. && my mommas birthday. my paps birthday is tomorrow i hope i can remember that. i need to get drunk its been to long. i want to go back to the races soon. PRP was so much fun last night . if you are wondering what i am doing i am typing out all of my thoughts in my head right now. but i really should stop and go sit some where but i hate the people i work with so probably nah. i ate so much for breakfast. thank god im off all next weekend. this is the longest half hour ever. 

You made me love you and I hate you for that.

Sometimes I can feel you. Breathing on my face in my sleep. Just like you used to every night before you had to leave our warm bed before work. Then I'd crawl over and lay on your side of the bed because it was always warmer than mine and it felt like you. I miss the man I fell I love with. I miss who you were. My hero. My world. You where so Perfect to me. I looked at you like you where the best thing in this world. The one who saved me.  My life. You where so perfet to me. What happened to you babe ? Why did you have to change. Why did you have to slip right through my fingers. You completed me. I loved you. More than you will ever know. My life is so empty without you. I hate that I can't move on. I can't continue my life without you when everyday ends up me missing you. I'm nothing without you. You made me who I am. You made me love you. I didn't want too. Remember when you said you loved me ? And I didn't want to say it back. But you kept saying it till I said it back? Well this is why. You made me love you. And i hate you for that. 

Days.

My days can never be calm or normal. As soon as I open my eyes everything hectic and overwhelming . It would be nice if for at least two hours I could sit down and not have to worry about anything. I need a break. Just a min maybe to enjoy a long bath witch I'm secretly doing now even tho I was told to hurry. Things used to be much simpler. Is it bad that if I could go back in time and change things I would ? 

Get out of my head.

I can't take it anymore. I can't stand it. I just want you out of my head. It's been so long. Why do you have to be in my head still. All of our memories all of it. It's just stuck there and it needs to leave it ruins everything. Every relationship I try to have with other people. Like why can't it just go away. I just want you gone every part of anything we had I want it out of my fucking head. It's just there all the time every hour every second. Just please if there was anyway to do it I would erase every memory we've ever had. I can't lay here another night and think about you. Just fuck you. And all your bullshit. And everything. It means nothing anymore but it's still fucking there make it go away. I want you gone. 

you could be the greatest you could be the best .

sometimes; i just want to know where the good things have gone.

Like, why did everything have to change; where could i be today if i never have done or seen some of the things i've did. 

Who would still be here if something had not happened. 

What if i was still the person i was three years ago would i still be young and free? or would i have grown into the person i am not without being forced to be . 

When would it have happened. could i have been happier than i am now? 

How can everything just change as fast as it did. in a blink of an eye everything that i used to live for and be it's gone.

maybe it wouldn't be so hard. maybe i could be the person i always wanted to be. 

but now, im just stuck. i feel like im just trapped. in one place . for so long . i feel like ill never get anywhere no matter how hard i try. with people always bringing me down telling me ill never be anything. and anything i ever do always seems horrible. i swear these people just do these things so they can get me to react in a negative way so they can just hold it against me. maybe i just wont talk anymore. maybe ill just live in complete silence so the people who push me wont get the reaction they wanted. maybe i;ll just start talking on here . and not to anyone else its not like anyone listens on either one anyways. but at least on here i can't get bitched at for what i say. because no one reads in anyways and honestly who fucking cares anyway.nor do they understand. everyone has problems in their life. yes some worse than others, but just because come cases are worse doesn't mean the ones that aren't that bad to some people hurt any less than the people who have to deal with it. people tell me that all the time. well you could be dying or you could be poor and living on the streets. yes this is all true but it still doesn't mean that i shouldn't be upset with the way my life is going and be happy with it even when i'm not because someone else' life is worse. there's always worse cases like when you're sick. oh okay just because you have the flu doesn't mean you should be sick because other people are dying so it could be worse. do you catch my drift here ? i;m not saying that i completely hate my life. and that i would want to die. even tho i may say that sometimes that isnt really what i want or mean. its just im tired for the way things are going . it always seems like everything is holding me back and no matter how many steps i take forward im always left right back where i was to start with. i just want to be genuinely happy. and it's not even just the bigg things . it's just little things like taking a shower. do you know how nice it would be to take a fucking shower whenever i wanted. okay well i might just be saying that now because i really want a damn shower. i'm not asking for this perfect life. im asking for people to realize that its not just gonna happen over night . i almost had it. i was so close . then i broke my damn leg. so now im set back. just give it TIME. i need a break . i need to get everything together. i just want some damn time to fucking think . or maybe get some sleep. since i havent done that in three days. or maybe a fucking shower so i can brush my teeth. hmm i might go try that. get ready blog. because you're gonna be hearing alot from me the next few days.  

Perfect boyfriend list?

- into motocross
- cuddles
- simple
- taller than me please.
- silly.
- serious
- actually wants to go do things.
- but wouldn't have a problem spending a day in bed.
- has a job
- finished high school
- gets along with my family.
- loves children and my dog.
Where are youu ?!

One day.

I hope to find someone who can love me for everything I am. Not everything they want me to be.
I hope I can hear a story about what you've been up too. And it not be tragic.
I wish I could've fixed you.
I hope I can one day look back and smile about the memories instead of them haunting me every night when I lay down.
I don't wish to ever see your face again. But it'd be nice to know your alive.
You'll fix it all one day. You're strong enough I know you can do it.
It's too late I'm sure.
It's just me here now. Who thought I'd be the one too come out of this alive.
You can survive. Just let go of the things that are bringing you down.
I let go of you. Now it's time you let go of me and the rest of the past stand on your own two feet you can do it baby. Do it just like you taught me. Independent and free.